|This is a MMS message I received while at work.
I wore a stupid smile the rest of the day.
I guess I can start by saying my journey was unique in the sense that my whole adult life I didn’t really want children. So when my wife said she wanted a child, and I could tell it was something she was very passionate about, it took me a good while to get adjusted to the idea. I didn’t want our relationship to come to stalemate, I loved her too much. I never felt closer to my wife than when we found out she was finally pregnant. Our relationship had evolved into something deeper. Unspoken and fully realized by both of us. Oddly I felt more complete. I was also proud. I felt somewhat accomplished although I knew my journey just begun.
Once the initial cloud-nine feelings wore off and the reality of the whole thing set in, I became more nervous and somewhat skeptical as to what I agreed to. Was I really willing to give up everything I’ve known? I just didn’t know. All I had to do was look at my wife. Her radiance and self-confidence in the whole matter reassured me I made the right choice. I still had self-doubt that I would make a good father or a descent role model. I didn’t want this to be one sided with me on the sidelines as someone who couldn’t hold their end of the bargain. I knew she needed me now more than ever. Could I do it? My experience with children / babies was exactly 0. I had no idea what to do.
I hid these feelings from my wife. Not really sure why. Maybe I didn’t want her to become doubtful about her decision, or just maybe I didn’t want to convolute the whole thing. And really, at some point those feelings began to turn into confidence little by little. My wife is a knowledge freak and had a plethora of baby books lying around. I read them and learned a lot about what to expect and common fears and doubts. They say knowing is half the battle. Well, in this instance that’s true. Reading through those books helped me gain the confidence that I could be a great father. I could envision it, so why couldn’t it be a reality? My goal was to make it a reality. Stuff the doubt and turn into positive. And I did, little by little.
|Another message captioned “Hi Dad!”
It made me tear up while I was at work.
As our guess-date (we prefer that over due-date, baby will let us know when he’s ready) arrived, I became extremely anxious, as I’m sure most first-time dads do. It was 3am when my wife went into labor. The drive to the hospital to almost seemed not happen. I don’t remember it. I do remember arriving with my wife in great pain (she wanted natural birth with no meds) and conceded to an epidural. She took a nap while waiting for her contractions to become more regular. I on the other hand, couldn’t even sit still. I was slightly in shock that this was actually happening. I was wrought with emotion, both good and bad. She went into active labor at around noon and we had a little boy at 1:21pm August 23, 2012.
Right then and there, holding my son; looking into his beautiful brown eyes, I hadn’t even heard the midwife offer me to cut his cord once it was ready. I was transformed in that moment and knew then all my worry was for not. The love and pride I felt for the first time overshadowed any doubt I ever had the previous 8 months since we found out. I knew I was going to be okay.